Monday, February 3, 2014

All I want is HAPPINESS

Have you ever caught yourself screwing emotionally and mentally to the most appalling state of affair that you thought you won’t be able to rise and wake up to your beliefs and dreams without the one you thought you’ll be sharing half of your life with?  Have you ever found yourself to be put on trial wherein you were searching for that kind of bliss that you have felt once in your lifetime? Have you ever thought that you wouldn’t find that happiness anymore that you have felt once with that person because that person is trying to pull down your energy in coping with the twinge that that person gave you? If yes, then maybe you can relate with me.
When we thought that we already found the one, whom we see to be perfect for us, we tend to give all ourselves no matter what people say about it. We close our eyes even if we know where the rapport will fall and close our ears even if we know what we should hear. Instead, we settle on something that could make us the happiest because of the thought of “HE/SHE’S THE ONE”.

I thought I already found the “right one” for me. I learned how to fight for love in which, I haven’t done it since I had my first relationship. I lost myself as I walk at a street called “LOVE”. I didn’t know where I was going until I found myself in the middle of the highway, waiting for someone to come back to me and enjoy the ride ONCE AGAIN until I realized that I was just waiting for nothing. Promises were made ONCE AGAIN and I trusted that person whole-heartedly but AGAIN, that “trust” with that person became pieces until those pieces cannot be found completely.
That's why these past few days, I prefer to be alone. I’d rather stay in my room, watch my favourite tv show, read books, fix my room mess, daydream about my aspirations, and think of my mistakes that I carried out throughout the year. Being alone does not mean you’re detaching yourself from all the people you used to be around with or things that you used to do. No. For me, it is one way of giving time to get to know yourself better and deeper in such a way that you will know your strengths and weaknesses as well as your limitations.
I prefer to be alone so no one will impair me. I’m too weak to be impaired. People see me as a tough-kind-of-person but I do easily breakdown. I’m sensitive enough most especially when people condemn me for who I am not. I'm tired of everything - people's accusation, degrading words from the people you love and trust, and waiting for nothing for those promises that have been laid to me.

BELT: Herbench

GOLD CHUNKY NECKLACE: @lovewhowhatwear (instagram)

So what I want to achieve right now is the happiness inside and out. I want to feel the inner peace that I have been wanting ever since the pain started. I already prayed several times for it but I don’t know why God doesn’t granting it to me yet. I know He has reasons why He’s giving me this kind of challenge. I want to see positivity in every circumstance that’s happening in my life so I should say – the pain that I have been feeling right now can’t compare to the joy that’s coming – and I’m actually excited for it. So now, I opt to be happy and stay as positive as I can be.
PANTS: Herbench


ILET WHITE BLOUSE: @classyfilipina (instagram)

WEDGE SHOES: Collective.Com c/o Zalora
So anyway, my feelings are quite bipolar nowadays. One day I’m happy. One day I’m sad and worried. But what I’m really thanking for is the people who stand by me no matter how affluent and underclass my feelings get. I know these people already exceeded their patience on understanding me everytime I feel that the world is on my back since I dwell too much on the sad stories of my life instead of the happy ones. These people also taught me how to let go of the things that causes my hatred and sadness so I could stay away myself from the opposite extremities.

I decided to let go because I want to be happy. I guess that should be the start of reaching the happiness from within. I decided to love myself because I’m done with letting people mortify the heart and mind of my soul. They already conquered the buoyancy and confidence that I gathered after a deep-type of incident that once happened in my life. In short, they won and I lost the game. I really do admit it.
That’s why this time, the decision that has been made by this weakened soul will remain a decision and never look back to where I have been. I fell and stumbled and so, I choose to pursue my dream because I believe that I’ll find my happiness in whatever my heart says. The universe has proven to me thousands of time that the evidences of what I used to believe in were the reality that I should be facing in. We can look back at the past but we can never repeat it. We can’t ever regret the things that once made us happy. All we need to do is to be thankful that all those things have happened and that’s the end of the story.

It was difficult for me to say goodbye to once I had but it’ll be better for myself as well to start a new beginning and say hello to a new me. I know to myself that I let the gravity pull the effort to my extent but all these effort are also bound to end. I don’t have to compel one to be devoted to me. All I want is someone who knows how to respect an individual and someone who knows how to define what “TRUE LOVE” means.