Have you ever caught yourself screwing emotionally and
mentally to the most appalling state of affair that you thought you won’t be
able to rise and wake up to your beliefs and dreams without the one you thought
you’ll be sharing half of your life with? Have you ever found yourself to
be put on trial wherein you were searching for that kind of bliss that you have
felt once in your lifetime? Have you ever thought that you wouldn’t find that
happiness anymore that you have felt once with that person because that person
is trying to pull down your energy in coping with the twinge that that person
gave you? If yes, then maybe you can relate with me.
When we thought that we already found the one, whom we see
to be perfect for us, we tend to give all ourselves no matter what people say
about it. We close our eyes even if we know where the rapport will fall and
close our ears even if we know what we should hear. Instead, we settle on
something that could make us the happiest because of the thought of “HE/SHE’S THE ONE”.
I
thought I already found the “right one” for me. I learned how to fight for love
in which, I haven’t done it since I had my first relationship. I lost
myself as I walk at a street called “LOVE”. I didn’t know where I was
going until I found myself in the middle of the highway, waiting for someone to
come back to me and enjoy the ride ONCE AGAIN until I realized that I
was just waiting for nothing. Promises were made ONCE AGAIN and I
trusted that person whole-heartedly but AGAIN, that “trust” with that person
became pieces until those pieces cannot be found completely.
That's
why these past few days, I prefer to be alone. I’d rather stay in my room,
watch my favourite tv show, read books, fix my room mess, daydream about
my aspirations, and think of my mistakes that I carried out throughout the
year. Being alone does not mean you’re detaching yourself from all the people
you used to be around with or things that you used to do. No. For me, it is one
way of giving time to get to know yourself better and deeper in such a way that
you will know your strengths and weaknesses as well as your limitations.
I
prefer to be alone so no one will impair me. I’m too weak to be impaired.
People see me as a tough-kind-of-person but I do easily breakdown. I’m
sensitive enough most especially when people condemn me for who I am not. I'm
tired of everything - people's accusation, degrading words from the people you
love and trust, and waiting for nothing for those promises that have been
laid to me.
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| BELT: Herbench |
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| GOLD CHUNKY NECKLACE: @lovewhowhatwear (instagram) |
So what I want to achieve right now is the
happiness inside and out. I want to feel the inner peace that I have been
wanting ever since the pain started. I already prayed several times for it but
I don’t know why God doesn’t granting it to me yet. I know He has reasons why
He’s giving me this kind of challenge. I want to see positivity in every
circumstance that’s happening in my life so I should say – the pain that I have
been feeling right now can’t compare to the joy that’s coming – and I’m
actually excited for it. So now, I opt to be happy and stay as positive as I
can be.
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| PANTS: Herbench |
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ILET
WHITE BLOUSE: @classyfilipina (instagram)
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WEDGE
SHOES: Collective.Com c/o Zalora |
So anyway, my feelings are quite bipolar
nowadays. One day I’m happy. One day I’m sad and worried. But what I’m really
thanking for is the people who stand by me no matter how affluent and
underclass my feelings get. I know these people already exceeded their patience
on understanding me everytime I feel that the world is on my back since I dwell
too much on the sad stories of my life instead of the happy ones. These people
also taught me how to let go of the things that causes my hatred and sadness so
I could stay away myself from the opposite extremities.
I decided to let go because I want to be happy.
I guess that should be the start of reaching the happiness from within. I
decided to love myself because I’m done with letting people mortify the heart
and mind of my soul. They already conquered the buoyancy and confidence that I
gathered after a deep-type of incident that once happened in my life. In short,
they won and I lost the game. I really do admit it.
That’s why this time, the decision that has been
made by this weakened soul will remain a decision and never look back to where
I have been. I fell and stumbled and so, I choose to pursue my dream because I
believe that I’ll find my happiness in whatever my heart says. The universe has
proven to me thousands of time that the evidences of what I used to believe in
were the reality that I should be facing in. We can look back at the past but
we can never repeat it. We can’t ever regret the things that once made us
happy. All we need to do is to be thankful that all those things have happened
and that’s the end of the story.
It was difficult for me to say goodbye to once I had but it’ll be better for myself as well to start a new beginning and say hello to a new me. I know to myself that I let the gravity pull the effort to my extent but all these effort are also bound to end. I don’t have to compel one to be devoted to me. All I want is someone who knows how to respect an individual and someone who knows how to define what “TRUE LOVE” means.
